The last 6 months or so, I have been easily moved to tears. It has lead to some interesting moments, like the time I was sitting at the church denomination I am a part of had their national conference and the general session speaker was speaking. He shared an emotional story that obviously struck a chord with me. I remember getting choked up, tears streaming down my face, but the crazy thing is, that is not where it stopped. I realized that I needed to hold back the sobs, I start looking around and realize that no one else was finding this particular story all that emotional (or at least I saw no other tears). I also realized that my sobs were becoming more evident to the people around me (as evidenced by the people looking away and pretending they were not staring at me). I began to really hope the speaker would move on to something funny, or perhaps something I could get mad about, anything but sad...finally he did.
I am not really embarrassed that I cry, although I know a lot of men my age who would be. But, this last few months has been exceptional for me. What is it? Why am I more easily affected in this way? These questions run through my mind, without a real solid answer. I cry at movies, I cry reading blogs like Phil's the other night, I cry when I pray, I cry at sermons, I cry in times of reflection, I cry when I think about my kids, I cry at the state of my family. I don't know what to make of it.
This evening I was listening to an excellent brand new book by Cathleen Falsani called Sin Boldly, which you can download here for free (that's an awesome opportunity you don't want to miss). She was quoting Frederick Buechner who said, "Pay attention to the things that bring a tear to your eye or a lump in your throat, because they are signs that The Holy is drawing near."
Maybe I am not a big wimp after all, maybe The Holy is drawing near to me. That would actually be great, because in the last 6 months I don't know if I have ever felt a greater need for The Holy, I need guidance to know where to go, I need direction to know how to handle difficult situations, I need love and care to help me with my hurts. Interestingly, these last six months have been a time when I have not felt a lot of leading or direction into big new things in my life, but is a time where I have been strongly convinced that I should be faithful in the little things, the everyday things, and the things that I am already chipping away at. I am a bit confused, "is that really you God?"
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